


Hard Heart, Shining Star

by SociallyUnacceptableOrb



Series: NOVA Be Damned [2]
Category: Hoshi no Kaabii | Kirby: Right Back at Ya!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Be Careful Chirren That's A Lot Of Vampire Dicks, Inappropriate Humor, Other, Romance Novel, Story within a Story, Twilight Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-12 10:55:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15338340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SociallyUnacceptableOrb/pseuds/SociallyUnacceptableOrb
Summary: AKA:"Garlude Learns the Dangers of Self-Projecting onto Media"A brand-new novel is sweeping Cappytown like a storm. But here's the catch: only the adult ladies of the town are buying it! Sir Garlude takes it upon herself to figure out what's going on, and maybe finish a chapter or two. Will Kirby and his friends crack the code of this bibliophilic bonanza? And what's so alluring about vampires, anyways?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's surprisingly hard to make something sound/look intentionally bad. Tried my best, but I feel like the 'painting' I did over on my DA captures the awful cheese of the book more than the actual story. Also, this story makes a touch more sense if you read Nightmare Mirror, but it's not necessary.

It had been hours since Meta Knight had seen Garlude.

Normally, this wasn’t an odd occurrence. She had her own life, after all, but she had told him she’d wanted to show him a new technique, and she was late for her own meeting. He’d looked all over the castle and Cappy Town too, but she seemed to have vanished into thin air. It wasn’t until he heard a yell that he got a hint to where she might be.

“Meta Knight! Get over here, quick! It got her!” Cavalier Jack screamed. Meta Knight sprang into action, drawing his sword and running to the source of his friend’s cries for help. Beneath the shade of an oak tree, he found Jack and Garlude. As for the source of his friend’s terror…

“Oh, no. Please don’t tell me you’re reading that tripe, too!” He pleaded, looking at the book in Garlude’s hands.

Garlude had been minding her own business, relaxing and enjoying some quiet alone time beneath a tree, until her two friends came along to point the finger at her.  She grumbled and continued reading, ignoring their criticisms. “You know, it was a book that got me out of Nightmare’s clutches. The least you could do is show some respect.”  

“Respect?! Towards a so-called ‘bestselling’ bodice ripper?” Meta Knight scoffed. “You must be joking!”

“What’s a ‘bodice ripper?’ Does that mean it’s graphically violent?” Tiff asked, holding a book of her own. She’d come here for a bit of quiet time herself and was more than a bit concerned to see three squabbling knights hogging her spot. Meta Knight jumped back in surprise, and stammered a bit, not wanting to scar her for life any more than she needed to be.

“Let me put it this way, kid.” Jack started. He motioned towards the book Garlude was holding. “Did your mother buy this book?”

“Well, she went out and bought _a_  book today...”

“Did she hide it from you when she brought it home?”

Tiff looked confused. “She put it in her nightstand. I still don’t get what you’re trying to say.”

Cavalier Jack nodded and patted her on the shoulder. “Good. I’ll explain more to you when you’re older.”

Meta Knight rolled his eyes behind his mask. “In the most…  _child-appropriate_ way I can phrase this, a bodice ripper is a novel in which young women find themselves in perils brought on by their stressful love lives and are rescued by cunning rogues. Many older women like to purchase them, so that they can imagine themselves in the heroine’s place.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with that,” Tiff said, putting her hands on her hips. “It’s always good to have an active imagination, no matter how old you get.”

“Right.  _Imagination,_ that’s what it’s all about.” Jack laughed at her naivete. “Because when I sit back and daydream, the first thing that pops into my head is being a helpless little girl, running and crying into any shoulder I can find until a big, strong swashbuckler sweeps me off my feet with his gentle smile and rugged good looks.” Jack posed and sashayed his cape during that last bit for dramatic effect, while Garlude scoffed and blushed in annoyance.

“Forgive me if I cannot find the inherent appeal in someone who steals, destroys, pillages, and refuses to bathe.” Meta Knight added, jeeringly shoving Jack on the back and nearly knocking him over. “I must not have a very active imagination.”

“Oh, cut it out, you two!” Garlude retorted as she slammed the book shut. “You wouldn’t understand. These stories might not be the best ones around, but they’re at least a decent fantasy for the older women of this town! Besides, this one’s not about pirates, it’s about vampires.”

“Splendid,” Meta Knight said, flagrant disgust dripping off his words. “An even crasser type of man for you and Cappy Town to fawn over.”

“To be fair, she’s had worse.” Jack stage-whispered to Meta Knight, and as much as Meta Knight hated to admit it, he was right.

“Have you two ever heard the expression  _‘don’t judge a book by its cover?’_  You might learn something from it.” She handed the book to Meta Knight, who squinted at the sappy scene. Cavalier Jack and Tiff walked over and looked at it as well. The cover depicted a young woman with bright red hair longingly gazing at an intimidating blonde man in a half-mask and cape.

“Hard Heart, Shining Star, by Poppy Pendelton.” Tiff read aloud. “Their love was cursed from the start, and irrevocably perfect.” She tilted her head. “They used that word correctly, but for some reason, it doesn’t _look_  like they did.”

“When you’re right, you’re right, Garle. The artist forgot to shade in her neck! How’s he supposed to find her attractive now?” Jack said, tapping the cover. Garlude snatched the book back from Meta Knight’s hands and sighed.

“That’s not my point, guys. What I’m saying is, if you  _read_  the book, you might change your mind afterwards. I’m only up to the fifth chapter, but it’s actually not half-bad!” She paused. “Of course, there’s this one scene that’s a bit racy, but it’s over pretty quick.” Realizing her accidental vulgar pun, she tried to backpedal. “Ah, I mean, it’s just one sentence!”

“I think I’ve got an idea! You could read it to all of us.” Tiff offered. “That way, you could show them that there’s more to these books then pointless romantic drama, and we might learn about a new genre that we’ve never heard of.”

“Well, that’s fine and all…” Meta Knight started, but then it hit him. “Wait, what do you mean by  _‘all of us’_ , Tiff?”

“Well, obviously there’s you and Cavalier Jack, but I was thinking it could also be Kirby, Tuff, and me,” Tiff said with a shrug. “Maybe Sword and Blade could listen in too, if they’d like.”

Garlude smiled gently. “That’s a wonderful idea, Tiff.” She took the girl’s hand as the two started their way back to the castle. “Of course, I’ll have to cut out a few things, mill down the exposition, omit some of the odder side-characters…” She went on and on about the book as the two men watched them leave, mounting horror of having to sit through the entire novel looming.

“Jack,” Meta Knight said, his eyes flashing red. “I blame you.”

Still reeling, Jack could only nod in agreement. “That’s fair.”

In no time at all, Garlude Tiff, Tuff, Kirby, Sword and Blade were all in the knight’s common room, eagerly awaiting Meta Knight and Cavalier Jack’s arrival. Well, make that two of them were eagerly awaiting their arrival. Garlude was more determined in proving them wrong about their previous assumptions, Tuff was only there because of his sister and swore he’d leave if there was too much ‘kissy junk’, and Sword and Blade were having a hushed conversation about the book’s topic.  

"Wait, wait, wait. This one's about vampires? If you'll excuse the pun, that is the  _dumbest bloody thing_ I've ever heard of!"

"Aye." Blade then scratched his chin. "Saurermoray interested  _Garlude."_

Sword sighed. "You got me there."

Cavalier Jack and Meta Knight entered the room like they were in the middle of a funeral march. “Let’s just get this over with, shall we?” Meta Knight asked, taking his usual seat.

Garlude opened the book and flipped past the first few pages. “The prologue’s a bit long, so I’ll just summarize the most important bits of it, okay?”

“Good.” All the men in the room said.

She rolled her eyes and began reading. “Once upon a time, there was a young woman named Chenille. She was the daughter of a nobleman, who was forced into an arranged marriage to a man that she’d never met. She dreaded every day the wedding got closer and so made a deal with a mysterious old man that he would keep her from being saddled with this stranger. Unfortunately for her, the old man was really the wicked vampire Mesmeros in disguise, and he and his men ransacked the wedding party, eliminating everyone but her.”

“Should’ve seen that coming!” Sword said.

“I know, right?” Garlude said, breaking character for a moment. “Anyways, while she’d gotten her wish, he forced her into slavery, using her as bait to turn rich men into his legion of the undead. What Mesmeros didn’t know was that she and her spouse had already consummated their marriage, and she was pregnant. She managed to keep her baby a secret, and left it on the doorstep of a church, where she’d be safe from the vampire’s evil. This is where our story begins.”

* * *

**Lavinia trawled down the rainy streets of Murky Town, wisps of her pearl white hair peeking out from the hem of her nun’s habit. The cobblestone road before her marked with puddles and cracks reminded her of the freer life she wished to know, but the soft glow of lamplight gently chastised her to remain diligent and faithful. She exhaled deeply, her warm breath and the cold air mingling to create a thin cloud of mist that dissipated as soon as it formed.**

**“Just a few more sleeps before the grand ball,” she murmured, and fiddled with her rosary. “If only I could go.” She knew that the convent frowned upon such lavish displays of hedonism and the sort and would never let her near the place even if she was running an errand. All she wanted was to feel beautiful and soft, not like an old crone at the age of 20. Inhaling and exhaling once more, she was interrupted from her soliloquy by a distant tussle.**

**A young boy with rosy cheeks and dazzling bright eyes was being harassed by a trio of street toughs, who were attempting to mug him for the food he was carrying. The sight of such sinful wrongdoings was more than Lavinia could stand, and she quickly rushed into action. “You leave that boy alone!” she cried out, rushing over to them.**

**“Oh, really?” asked one of the thugs, and he flashed his teeth at her. They were fangs! “And why do you think you have any power to stop us? The fire of evil that torches within us cannot be put out!”**

**“Here’s the thing about playing with fire,” Lavinia retorted, as she pulled a vorpal blade out from her satchel. “You are destined to be burned!”**

* * *

“Whoa! She’s a vampire hunter? That’s so cool!” Tuff cheered.

“Ah, that got your attention.” Garlude said, taking in everyone’s surprised looks. Kirby, however, seemed more concerned about the poor kid that had been ambushed, and gently tugged on the hem of Garlude’s cape, as if asking her to finish.

“Alright, alright. Hold onto your hats.” She said as she looked down at the impatient puff, and then she looked up to see that a collection of Waddle Dees had also entered the room, and they also seemed to want her to continue. She chuckled and went on with the rest of the story.

She went on to describe the rough battle between Lavinia and the vampire trio, their eventual defeat, and the young boy (who introduced himself as Nik) deciding to join her in her secret side missions to slay the monsters in town. Tiff herself found herself drawn to Lavinia’s father figure, the narratively described as ‘hunky’ Father Leonhart, for being such a devoted protector and gentle voice of reason.

But tragedy struck in chapter three, when the church was burnt to the ground and Leonhart transformed into a vampire. Lavinia and Nik took shelter in a kind-hearted merchant’s home before the perspective changed to the woman that was on the cover, Chenille. The redhead had finally had enough of the vampire’s machinations and cruelty and planned her escape that night. It was at this point Garlude realized she was getting to the certain moment that she’d warned Meta Knight and Jack about.

* * *

**“My dear Chenille, you’re leaving so soon?”**

**It was Mesmeros, lazily reclined on his black silk sheets, completely in the buff. He held a champagne flute of blood in one hand and had himself propped up against a pillow with the other. Chenille wondered for a second if he’d read her mind, if he was attempting to seduce her into staying with him. But the taste of the mandrake and honeydew potion she’d ingested earlier at the back of her throat reassured her that she was safe.**

**“Yes. I will be out for a few days. I must… recollect supplies for your mortal concubines. We wouldn’t want them getting sickly, now would we?”**

**With a wave of his hand and a nod, he silently agreed with her. He moaned a bit louder than he should have as he repositioned himself on his side, giving her an ample view of his body, and Chenille felt her face turning maddeningly red.**

* * *

“Aaaaaaaaand, there we go.” Garlude said as she lowered the book. “I’d like to cordially apologize for that mental image.” She said, motioning with her head towards the adults in the room. “Are the rest of you enjoying the story so far?” Kirby squeaked in approval, and the Waddle Dees nodded in unison.

“Gotta say, wasn’t expecting this much lore in a book that cost two bucks!” Jack said.

“I like it!” Tuff said, and then immediately backtracked upon seeing Tiff’s astonished face. “I mean, it’s not as dumb and girly as I thought it was gonna be. I just don’t get why Lavinia wants to be a stuffy old princess. She’s so much cooler as a vampire-fighting holy woman!”

“Well, everybody’s got their own fantasies!" Garlude said with a shrug. Still confused from what Garlude said earlier, Sword whispered a question into Blade’s ear, and Blade whispered the answer back. Sword about vomited in his helmet in response.

“Ew! You mean he was naked the whole time?”

 _“Sword!”_  Meta Knight yelled.

The next few chapters went by without a hitch, as Lavinia and Nik began to warm up to each other through baking and singing at the merchant’s home, and Chenille met up with an acrobat turned-vampire-hunter named Warwick and his two aides. Tuff liked more of the action spattered through the fluff, but he was very confused why the narrative stopped to describe the muscles of the acrobats every time their shirts were off.

And then, Garlude got to chapter nine, the one where all the ensemble cast met at the grand ball.

* * *

**Beneath the willow tree, Chenille had caught Leonhart off-guard, and sliced his shirt open with an enchanted dagger. His rippling six-pack would have ordinarily aroused her, but the only thing in her mind was to end his afterlife as fast as she could. Warwick had implied that if she so much as looked into his eyes, she would be caught under his evil thralls, so she kept her gaze firmly on his toned chest as she brought the dagger down.**

**“Wait,” she whispered in a soft tone that not even the falling rain around them could match. “What on earth is that?” she opined aloud. She had discovered a small vial in a chain around his neck, full of a murky pink liquid. She locked eyes with him as she waited for an answer.**

**“Do you know what kept me from losing myself to the pitch of night? To the dark vagaries of sin, from where there is no return to solace, even in the warmth of the rising stars?” He slid up to a sitting position beneath her as the vial around his neck bounced against his taut pectorals. “My devotion. It has so far kept me from becoming worse than the devil, from siphoning fresh blood from virgins. For the only one I adore is you.”**

**“Prove your devotion,” said she, rescinding the dagger.**

**“I shall,” he replied. His clawed hands wrapped around her waist as he tore the front of her top from her form, causing her dress to fall to the ground in a heap.**

* * *

Garlude immediately stopped reading. “Oh.” Her eyes scanned down the page as her face burned hotter. “Ohhh.” She leafed through the next couple pages, skimming through them slowly, not saying a word. Meta Knight and Jack peered over her shoulder and read with her. As the entire room fell into an uncomfortable silence, Tiff came to the horrifying understanding of why exactly the two had previously referred to the novel as a “bodice ripper”.

“Ah. This part looks appropriate,” Meta Knight said, gently taking the book from Garlude. He cleared his throat and began to read. “He held out the vial before her. ‘This still has a few drops in it. Be very careful on whom you use them.’ She took it in her soft hands and set her emerald orbs upon it. ‘This must be your most beloved possession.’ Chenille whispered. ‘One of many,’ he declared, tracing a finger around her perky-  _oop!”_

Meta Knight clapped a hand over his mouth and handed the book to Jack, his eyes flashing teal in embarrassment. Jack shook his head and rolled his eyes as he went through the chapter, trying to find a clean part to begin from. The kids could see him squint in disgust and mouth  _‘ten pages?’_  as he did so, until he finally found a suitable starting point and handed the book back to Garlude.

“If you’d let me finish earlier, I could have caught that!” she yelled, and resumed reading.

* * *

**“Why are you doing this?” demanded Lavinia, slamming the table with her palms as silverware went flying. “Why did you burn down the nunnery? Or transform Father Leonhart into one of your minions? Why must you be so unspeakably cruel?”**

**Mesmeros smiled widely. “Why shouldn’t I have? Nobody else was going to do it! The world needs more chaos and misery, don’t you think so?” He took a sip from his wine, which Lavinia had a sneaking suspicion contained more than just alcoholic beverage. “Besides, I freed him from his taxing job, his boring nobility, I gave him life! Wouldn’t you want the same?”**

**Lavinia gritted her teeth and got up to leave. “Quit reading my mind, verminous pox on humanity.” As the wind howled outside, Lavinia watched the trees smack against the windows as if they were seeking shelter from the storm. She called over to Nik, who’d been enjoying a chocolate fountain with nine different fruits, and the two left the ballroom. Had they stayed for a moment longer, maybe they would have seen Leonhart and Chenille slowly walking back to the main hall, hand in hand.**

* * *

“They bonked for ten straight pages, and she  _still_  missed her?”

_“SWORD.”_

The last six chapters went by just as quick as Leonhart joined up with Warwick and his group, and Chenille finally reunited with her daughter… the literal next day after the grand ball. Meta Knight blamed it on a word quota for each chapter, Tiff called it bad writing. The penultimate chapter came to a head as the Grand Marquis was poisoned by Mesmeros, and a massive war of mortal vs vampire ensued. A rather bizarre end to a romance novel, but at least it was almost over!

* * *

**The battle had been long and hard fought, with many both human and vampire falling to the swords of one another. Even in a land full of death and despair, Lavinia had one thing on her mind; find Nik, safe and sound, and run off to another country to try and regroup. She cursed herself for focusing all her energy on Mesmeros and ignoring her once father-figure be split in twain by an unknowing soldier.**

**“Nikolas!” She called out, holding her broken arm to her side. “Nikolas, my dearest, you must live!”**

**And lo, upon the crest of the next hill, she saw Nikolas. She was overjoyed and rushed to his side, but she noticed something was wrong. Both he and Warwick had looks of extreme despair on their faces, and Nikolas grabbed her tightly in a hug, whispering condolences. Confused., Lavinia looked down and saw the bloodied corpse of her mother, a hole cleanly punched through her body. As the sunrise came up, Lavinia buried her face in Nik’s shoulder, and wept bitterly.**

* * *

“Oh,” Garlude said again, closing the book. She held it against her lap, not saying anything as Sword and Blade got up to leave. Kirby clapped respectfully, and Tiff looked over to see her brother in a… less than enthusiastic mood at the ending.

“I can’t believe that creep got away with everything!” Tuff yelled. “He got Chenille killed, framed Warwick for poisoning the Marquis, nearly turned Nik into a vampire, and survived the vorpal blade! It’s so unfair!”

“Well, they still have the vial. They can always bring back Chenille and Leonhart!” Tiff said, trying to reassure her brother. But Tuff shook his head as he jumped to his feet.

“I don’t care! He killed off the awesome ninja vampire, too! They can’t bring _him_ back!” He huffed as he left the room. “Mesmeros better get what’s coming to him in the next one!”

Tiff sighed and got up, gently pulling Kirby to his feet as they left. “Leave it to my brother to read a love story and only focus on the violent stuff. Figures.”

Garlude remained quiet as the Waddle Dees patiently waited for her to speak again. She took a deep breath and fiddled with one of her bangs as she blinked away small tears. “So. They all just died. Everyone except for Warwick.”

“Hey, Garle,” Jack began, patting her on the shoulder. “Did you really... see yourself in Chenille or something?” When remained quiet, he asked again. “And… did you happen to see anybody else as anybody else either?”

“Could you blame me?” Garlude asked with a sniff, holding the book out. “The only thing missing was the Marquis having an accent and a butler to slap around!” She placed the book atop the TV, as she walked out of the room, shaking her head. “Nik’s favorite food was watermelon drops, for crying out loud!”

“Don’t believe everything you read!” Meta Knight called after her. “It’s no wonder she was so embarrassed at that scene beneath the trees. Does his declaration of devotion remind you of anything now?”

Cavalier Jack chuckled and picked up the book. “I’m surprised she didn’t laugh! I would’ve.” It was then a rather uncomfortable thought crossed his mind. “Hold up, if she was imagining you and me and the kids as people in the book…” Jack said, staring down at the cover. “Then who do you reckon she saw tall, dark, and creepy as…?”

As the realization hit them, both knights screeched in horror, and the Waddle Dees scattered out of the room in fear. The king’s manservant, Escargoon watched them all pour out from the room in a panic, sidestepping to make sure he wasn’t caught in the undertow.

“Bout time they got back to work,” he huffed, as he walked into the room. “What do you two chumps think you’re doing to the Waddle Dees? They’re our servants, not members of a book club!”  He stopped mid-rant upon seeing the quivering duo with thousand-yard stares that could probably burn a hole through someone. “Sheesh, what’d you read? These new horror novels must be pretty intense.”

“You read books, don’t you, Goony?” Jack slammed the book into his chest without a second thought. “Here you go, chief. Go hog wild.” He marched out of the room, staring blankly ahead. “I’m gonna go take a shower or twenty, alright?”  

Escargoon stared at him as Jack rounded the corner with a shiver, taken aback by the sudden response. He looked back to see that Meta Knight hadn’t moved an inch, and when he walked over and poked him, the spherical swordsman fell to the floor, face-down with a low-pitched whimper.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BOOKS  
> GOD I LOVE BOOKS  
> DEAR LORD NIGHTMARE I'M SO ALONE
> 
> RadiantSeraphina wrote me a story after I jokingly suggested her version of Kirby write a fanfic. I was expecting a short response with a stereotypical badfic summary _(haiii dis is mi first fic!!!! the smexy mesmeros kills that dum gary sue brent!! FLAMERZ BACK OFF!!11!!!)_ , so you can probably see where I'm coming from when I say that it's one of the nicest things I've been given. Thus, I was inspired to make something in response for her because I always feel like I need to pay it forward when i'm given something.
> 
> That would make this chapter... a fanfic, based off of a fanfic of a fanfic, with references to my own first fanfic, which has a character making a fanfic about a book which only exists in a fanfic. Ow. Ow. _Ow._ My brain hurts. 
> 
> Sorry I couldn't add in more Brent Knight getting mauled, but I did add in a reference to not!Germany.

It had been about a week and a half since Garlude had introduced the book to the castle, and about three days since Cavalier Jack and Meta Knight started talking to her again. They’d all firmly agreed that if she bought another book or movie, they’d stay clear of her until she’d finished it. Both men still tensed up whenever they saw the defunct monster teleporter in the throne room, though.

As of current, Garlude was walking down the hallways and finishing a comic book that had been gifted to her by Tuff and Kirby, in preparation for the second book in the series, which wouldn’t be out for another three or four months. They’d drawn and wrote it themselves, a short story in which Lavinia, Nik, and Warwick hunted down Mesmeros and threw him into the Holy Fountain, defeating him for good as Chenille and Leonhart were happily married.

“And so, Lavinia and Nik went on to become the best vampire hunters ever, and left the princess business to Chenille, who was so happy to have found someone she truly loved.” Garlude was amused by how they’d managed to craft something so wholesome out of source material that was racy at best. She was interrupted from her reading when she distantly heard familiar voices coming from the knight’s common room.

Confused, she went up to the door and opened it, and came face to face with Escargoon, Fololo, and Falala. Escargoon had somehow managed to get his hands on a copy of Hard Heart, Shining Star, and was causally slouching in Meta Knight’s chair in front of the TV as he read it. Fololo and Falala had evidently been trying to read with him, much to his discontent.

“Buzz off, pipsqueaks! How’s a guy supposed to get immersed into the story if I’ve got you two little jujubes breathing down my neck?” He gasped as he looked up and saw Garlude. “Oh! Miss Garlude, I was just, uh, returning this to… you…”

“Read on. I won’t judge.” Garlude reassured him as she placed the comic book on a table. Fololo and Falala then floated over to her, and she then noticed the hardcover book that Falala was holding. “What’s that you’ve got there?”

“Another storybook! Though, you might want to think twice before you read this to Kirby and his friends.” Falala chirped, handing the book to Garlude.

“Yeah, their parents would kill us!” Fololo added.

Garlude took one look at the girl on the cover and burst into laughter. Purple skin, platinum blonde hair, pointed ears, long slender arms and legs; if there ever were a book that could get Cavalier Jack to stop silently regretting he’d met her and lapse into a cackling fit, this was the one. Now, she only needed to find a novel about Batamon to get Meta Knight to come around.

“I told you she’d love it!” Falala said.

“And you’re never wrong!” Fololo replied. Once Garlude had calmed herself down, she took a closer look at the cover and its title.

 _Zweihänder, die Magd: Drachenbrut._ A Traumwaldian romance novel. Garlude vaguely remembered how Fofa desperately wished to learn the language but was shot down by Doctor Moro every single time he’d brought it up. Of course, learning it from a book like _this_  probably wasn’t the best starting point they could have picked. Especially now that Garlude was slowly starting to realize that the title was most likely a double entendre, given the woman’s demure expression, skimpy leather outfit, splayed kneeling position, and the placement of the massive sword between her legs.

“Where’d you even get this?” she asked. She couldn’t imagine either of them getting up the courage to ask for the book, let alone buy it.

“Mabel said we could borrow it!” Fololo said. “She heard about how you liked  _Hard Heart, Shining Star_  and said that you might be interested in this one, too.”

“It’s part of its own genre,” Falala followed up. “Maiden and Beast fiction. Apparently, monsters don’t just scare people! They can  _seduce_ people as well.”

As Falala coquettishly winked, Garlude was stunned that her dear, innocent Fofa was so casually talking about things of this manner. At the same time, the thought that Lord Nightmare, who had dedicated his existence to summoning beasts from people’s darkest fears may also have been fueling their erotic fantasies, was hysterical. If there was a single remnant of a spark of a scrap of Nightmare’s soul that still lingered, she hoped it was screeching in rage.

“Hope you enjoy it!” Fololo said, as he exited the room with Falala.

“You’d better not be blabbing all the secrets in this castle!” Escargoon yelled after them. “Some of us have reputations to uphold!”

At the bottom right corner, Garlude could see a small blurb.  _Neun von Zwölf._  Dear, innocent Fofa. She cracked open the book and began to read, plopping down cross-legged next to Escargoon. “You know, Meta Knight’s going to kill you once he finds out you’ve been borrowing his chair.”

“I don’t think he’ll ever notice,” Escargoon said. “He probably reckons that his cape pre-warms the seat.”

Garlude hummed as she skimmed through the prologue detailing Zweihänder’s previous exploits. “Oh,” she said, as she got to the first chapter. “This one has pictures.” It was an intricately detailed black-and-white drawing of a topless Zweihänder reclining against a dragon that was three times as big as she, gently kissing it on its nose.

“So, what?” Escargoon asked, leaning over the side of the chair to glance over her shoulder. “She beats up dragons and then makes love to them? That’s a one-way ticket to a restraining order, not a date!” He cringed a bit upon seeing another part of the drawing. “Ooh. Might need to see a doctor about that leg. That vein looks like it’s about to burst.”

“Escargoon, that’s not his leg.”

He turned green. “I was  _so_   _hoping_  you wouldn’t say that.”

Garlude chortled again as she resumed her story, and Escargoon turned back to his. This “book club” thing was fun.

**Author's Note:**

> In case you're lost, here's the parallels Garlude made.
> 
> Chenille: Garlude  
> Mesmeros: Nightmare  
> Lavinia: Sirica  
> Nik: Kirby  
> Leonhart: Jack  
> Warwick: Meta Knight  
> Warwick's Aides: Sword and Blade  
> Merchant's Family: Sir Ebrum's Family


End file.
